So to start off, things have been pretty hectic. Doctors appointments, changes/little upgrades to the house, mom working full time again, me not working at all, bone density tests, mri's, dentists...it's been hella hectic. I wanted to also throw in an update, I saw my neurologist, and he did he hand test on me, and stuck needles in my arms, and ruled out carpal tunnel totally. A little odd to me seeing that I am a pc gamer and my right arm gets overused a bit. So for unknown reasons, I still have no feelings in my fingertips on the right hand, and a torn right rotator cuff. I've developed a tic in my mouth and the side of my eye and for no reason at all, I will start doing these odd facial things, I also keep losing feeling in my left arm and hand, and sometimes numbness in my left leg. And the muscle spasms are getting worse, especially the ones in my calves and between my shoulder blades. My doctor still has me on Norcos and Flexiril, same dosage, every month. The doctors are trying to rule out the rare brain disease, they are all leaning towards MS. My blood work is all good, according to my primary, and he was surprised when I told him I hadn't taken any medications other than my pain management and weed for the last 10 months. He says if it turns out to be MS, I may end up being a case study. I have a lot of shit wrong with me for only being 45. The kids are still residing here, but hopefully only for another month, we will see. Is that everything? I think so, but eh, I'm high so yeah...
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
When I Look at You...Dear Mr. Hubby
I heard this today, and it seemed so fitting for how I am feeling right now.
Dear Mr. Hubby,
Our lives, right now, seem to be falling down around us. I know you are hurting, I know you are sad. I know there is nothing I can do but be here for you. But they say, everything happens for a reason, when one door closes, another opens, etcetera. When you are at your darkest, please know, that I need you and can't imagine one single day without you in my life. I don't ever want there to be a time where I have to live without you in my life. You made me realize there are good and decent men out there, and you helped me change for the better, at least I think so. And when it comes down to it, that is all that matters. You get me, I get you, I would never try to change the quirky person you are. I don't love you for what you can or can't do for me, I love you simply because of the person you are. I love you because with you, I can be just me.
The house falling apart, bills piling up, animals driving us nuts, mom in her moods...all of this will pass. We have gotten through this for all these years, we are going to get through this time too. When we got together, you knew I had Crohn's. Now we are slowly finding out that there is so much more wrong with my health. The situation is not funny, I know, but the little jokes about finding me someone to wipe my ass when that time comes, even though they are just that, jokes, somewhere inside, I know you are here for me. I have been lost in my own thoughts lately, and at some point, while I hope it never comes to this, if you ever feel that it is too much for you to handle, I would understand. I cry as I write this because just the thought of that hurts me so much, but I would understand and deal with it. But then somewhere deep down, something pulls me back and reassures me that you are not going anywhere.
You are so much more to me than I think you know. You are my laughter, you are my smiles, you are my heart...and I love you so much that I can't just simply write it out because there are not enough words in our language to properly express how much I do love you. If I could take away your pain, hurt and sadness, I would at the drop of a hat. To think of you hurting hurts me. It has to get better at some point, right? I know I keep saying it, but in saying it, then I believe it. And we all need something to believe in. And I believe, in my heart of hearts, that this will all pass, and we will find the happiness that you deserve. I want you to know, that no matter what I am behind you 150% times infinity. No matter where our journey takes us, I am always here for you. I love you Mr. Hubby...
Your wifey
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Shit Mr. (stoned) Hubby says...
So yeah, here I am. Hi guys!! How are ya? We are adding a new series to this blog, besides just "Shit Mr. Hubby Says...we are going to do a separate one for a stoned Mr. Hubby. A stoned Mr. H is even more hilarious than a sober one. I'll be honest, I have missed some really good conversations with him because I am forever misplacing my voice recorder. So now, I stick it in my purse, because at some point everything ends up in there anyways, but that's another blog...
30 Day Challenge
- Your current relationship. Explain how your life feels in your relationship.
- Where you'd like to be in 10 years.
- Your views on drugs and alcohol
- Your views on religion
- A time you thought about ending your own life.
- Write 30 interesting facts about yourself
- Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
- A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
- How you hope your future will be like
- Discuss your first love and kiss
- Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up
- Bullet your whole day
- Somewhere you'd like to move or visit
- Your earliest memory
- Your favorite tumblrs
- Your views on mainstream music
- Your highs and lows this year
- Your beliefs
- Disrespecting your parents
- How important do you think education is
- One of your favorite shows
- How have you changed in the past two years
- Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive
- Your favorite movie and what it's about
- Someone who fascinates you and why
- What kind of person attracts you
- A problem that you have had
- Something that you miss
- Goals for the next 30 days
- Your highs and lows of this month
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
To be continued...
I've been throwing ideas for posts back and forth for awhile now. I have three drafts that I am close to being done with but they just don't quite feel complete so I haven't been able to bring myself to publish them. Two out of the three, well, I was high. And sober me has to go through and try to fix anything messed up in those posts. I'll just say it's been interesting and I will leave it at that. In my creative moments, I also have two short stories that I've been working on but I am not sure they will ever be seen by anyone else. I am so unsure of myself lately, not just in my writing, but in pretty much everything I do. Not sure if it's lack of confidence or just still the backlash of my mom passing that has me feeling so uneasy about things.
This past year, we were closer than I think we have ever been in my entire life. It makes me hurt to think that it took her death sentence to knock some sense into me that maybe I should reach out more. I'm not complaining, the last year was wonderful, talking every one to two weeks, and not just a fly by phone call lasting two minutes. Things that we should've talked about years ago finally got brought up. I finally opened up and told her about the sexual abuse that happened before she took over custody of us. She asked me a lot why I never told her. And I told her, bluntly, she wouldn't have believed me. She didn't believe my sister about our dad. She didn't believe my real mother about her dad (kicked her out when she was 15.) I was already labeled the "bad kid" because I came to them damaged beyond what they thought I was. I spent years and years in therapy because of the fucked up shit that I saw and that happened. I am almost 45, I still have nightmares. The only difference is, I no longer go to therapy. I no longer take pills to make me seem human. The medical marijuana seems to be helping just fine in that department. I feel again, I can cry again, and I don't feel so robotic.
I know I seem to be rambling. I haven't really written or talked about her death. It's not something I am comfortable with. There is quite a bit of "dirt" in my family. I could fucking write a book. And now, if I wanted, I could actually do that without worrying about hurting her feelings or upsetting her, but I am just not at that point to be writing about being a survivor when I don't really feel that I am. I'll be honest, I don't always feel like I've truly overcome anything, because somewhere in my head, you aren't a survivor unless you've gotten over it, something I will never do. It will always be a part of me. And to those who know me who seem to think I have my shit together, I may look like it but not even close. The only thing that saves me right now, is times of a brain fogginess/memory loss. Doctor isn't sure what to chalk it up to. Sometimes they say it's a fibro-fog, but my gastro doctor seems to think it could be MS related as it is happening with a few other different symptoms. I really hope not because I don't need any more bullshit on my plate...
Oookay. So I think I just wasted like 15 minutes just sitting here staring at nothingness. I lost all train of thought on where I was going with this post...so yeah...To be continued...
.
This past year, we were closer than I think we have ever been in my entire life. It makes me hurt to think that it took her death sentence to knock some sense into me that maybe I should reach out more. I'm not complaining, the last year was wonderful, talking every one to two weeks, and not just a fly by phone call lasting two minutes. Things that we should've talked about years ago finally got brought up. I finally opened up and told her about the sexual abuse that happened before she took over custody of us. She asked me a lot why I never told her. And I told her, bluntly, she wouldn't have believed me. She didn't believe my sister about our dad. She didn't believe my real mother about her dad (kicked her out when she was 15.) I was already labeled the "bad kid" because I came to them damaged beyond what they thought I was. I spent years and years in therapy because of the fucked up shit that I saw and that happened. I am almost 45, I still have nightmares. The only difference is, I no longer go to therapy. I no longer take pills to make me seem human. The medical marijuana seems to be helping just fine in that department. I feel again, I can cry again, and I don't feel so robotic.
I know I seem to be rambling. I haven't really written or talked about her death. It's not something I am comfortable with. There is quite a bit of "dirt" in my family. I could fucking write a book. And now, if I wanted, I could actually do that without worrying about hurting her feelings or upsetting her, but I am just not at that point to be writing about being a survivor when I don't really feel that I am. I'll be honest, I don't always feel like I've truly overcome anything, because somewhere in my head, you aren't a survivor unless you've gotten over it, something I will never do. It will always be a part of me. And to those who know me who seem to think I have my shit together, I may look like it but not even close. The only thing that saves me right now, is times of a brain fogginess/memory loss. Doctor isn't sure what to chalk it up to. Sometimes they say it's a fibro-fog, but my gastro doctor seems to think it could be MS related as it is happening with a few other different symptoms. I really hope not because I don't need any more bullshit on my plate...
Oookay. So I think I just wasted like 15 minutes just sitting here staring at nothingness. I lost all train of thought on where I was going with this post...so yeah...To be continued...
.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
I Am Struggling...
This may come off as a little scatterbrained and if so, I want to apologize in advance. I am having a rough time tonight, having a rough time keeping my cool. I am trying to take care of the house, trying to take care of mom since the hospital, trying to help get Mr. Hubby ready for his surgery on the 26th, and I suffer from Crohn's, IBS, Fibromyalgia and possibly Rheumatoid Arthritis. On top of this, I have suffered from what was once was called manic depression, now called major depression, along with minor ocd, and anxiety. I take a injection in my stomach every two weeks and because of those shots, I have to take a form of speed called phentermine (which only works half the time) A week ago, I slept most of the time for 4 days straight, while on that med. I take 13 pills every morning and at night, if in pain or having muscle spasms, I take flexiril, or hydrocodones...if absolutely needed. Every month or month and a half, my doctor gives me these prescriptions, 90 count of each in case I need them every 8 hours. I never do, I only take them during the day if the pain is unbearable, and normally by the end of the day, I am in pain, so I will take one depending on the form of pain before my hot bath and bed time. I was on steroids for months, and the lower back spasms caused the curve in my lower spine to straighten out. I am saying all this because it leads up to my newest problem...
Sunday, July 31, 2016
It's been awhile coming...
They say when it rains it pours. I think I/we can fairly attest to this with our recent streak of luck. I mean, I can not be the only one that when something good happens, and things start looking up and everyone is feeling happy and relaxed, some freaking high power decides to knock you down a notch or fifty. At some point, you begin to wonder what exactly you did so wrong in this universe to deserve such luck. I am nice to people, I give money to those who need it (when I have money), I donate to cancer foundations (once again, money), I respect my elders, I am a damn good listener and always have a ear for anyone who needs it, and I try and put most peoples needs and wants before my own. All in all, I think I am a good person. Seriously, I keep telling myself, it has to get better, it can't be bad all the time, right? But thus far, positivity hasn't gotten me far at all. Anyways, not to sit here and complain (which I feel I have every right to freaking do), but I thought I would share some stuff that has been going on with us recently so that people understand what has been going on...
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Let's Talk Movies...
We were laying in bed last night, watching something, I don't even remember, I was sooo tired. And Mr. Hubby made a statement about how his movie choices are so much better than mine. I scoffed at that statement and the argument started about who has better taste in movies. So he starts bringing up all these "spoof" movies that I have made him watch. The only reason I make him watch them is to see how long he will actually sit through them, although sometimes, there is actually some stuff that is so stupid, it's funny. He then asked me to provide a movie that he has made me watch that was bad. Well my go to movie is always Frankenfish. Seriously, look it up. He tells me how awesome that movie is and asks for another example. Well I will be honest, my memory hasn't been so great since I have started all these medications so I took to our movie collection and the internet to find a movie or two that he has made me suffer through. Here is my list...
1. Frankenfish
2. Abraham Lincoln : Vampire Hunter
3. Team America, World Police
4. Any Paranormal Activity movie past the 1st and 2nd.
5. Zoolander
6. Grand Budapest Hotel
7. Donnie Darko
8. Dead End
9. Step Brothers
10. The Dibbuk Box aka The Possession
11. Blades of Glory
This was all I come up with in the time I was awake. Trust me, there are more. I will be adding to this list. But in the same breath, he has gotten to me to watch some pretty good movies too. And I have to give him credit that when he says I will love a movie, 9 out of 10 times, he is correct. And he is fair when he watches movies, because it could have a crappy rating, and we will usually give it a shot. Because of that, we have watched some cool stuff that most people probably wouldn't even try. He has also gotten me hooked on Marvel movies. I was never into them nor was I into comic books, but he tries to explain to the best of his ability how this movie ties in with that movie. So here are some of my favorites that we have watched together...
1. John Wick (wickedly awesome movie)
2. Warcraft
3. Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
4. Serenity (He also introduced me to Firefly)
5. The Last Witch Hunter
6. American Ultra
7. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
8. The Hundred Foot Journey
9. Most of the Marvel Movies (not a big fan of the Hulk movies)
10. August Rush
11. The Aviator
There are so many I could add to this list. He really does have some serious love for movies. And for the most part I trust him when he recommends something. But when it comes to movies like Gingerdead Man, yeah, not happening. He also has asked me throughout the years if I have seen this or that movie and then swears that I have lived in a box my entire life. And it's not that, it's there are some movies that just don't sound appealing. I don't like most westerns, war movies, or gangster movies. Never have been a big fan. And he tells me I should watch them, but I just can't bring myself to do so...
1. The Godfather movies
2. The Fight Club (someone ruined this movie by telling the ending)
3. Inglourious Bastards
4. Reservoir Dogs
5. Goodfellas
6. Any Bond movie
7. Any Mission Impossible movie
That's just a short list, there are many I just don't care to watch. Some of you would disagree with me, I'm sure. Feel free to post the dumbest, and best movies you have ever seen.
1. Frankenfish
2. Abraham Lincoln : Vampire Hunter
3. Team America, World Police
4. Any Paranormal Activity movie past the 1st and 2nd.
5. Zoolander
6. Grand Budapest Hotel
7. Donnie Darko
8. Dead End
9. Step Brothers
10. The Dibbuk Box aka The Possession
11. Blades of Glory
This was all I come up with in the time I was awake. Trust me, there are more. I will be adding to this list. But in the same breath, he has gotten to me to watch some pretty good movies too. And I have to give him credit that when he says I will love a movie, 9 out of 10 times, he is correct. And he is fair when he watches movies, because it could have a crappy rating, and we will usually give it a shot. Because of that, we have watched some cool stuff that most people probably wouldn't even try. He has also gotten me hooked on Marvel movies. I was never into them nor was I into comic books, but he tries to explain to the best of his ability how this movie ties in with that movie. So here are some of my favorites that we have watched together...
1. John Wick (wickedly awesome movie)
2. Warcraft
3. Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
4. Serenity (He also introduced me to Firefly)
5. The Last Witch Hunter
6. American Ultra
7. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
8. The Hundred Foot Journey
9. Most of the Marvel Movies (not a big fan of the Hulk movies)
10. August Rush
11. The Aviator
There are so many I could add to this list. He really does have some serious love for movies. And for the most part I trust him when he recommends something. But when it comes to movies like Gingerdead Man, yeah, not happening. He also has asked me throughout the years if I have seen this or that movie and then swears that I have lived in a box my entire life. And it's not that, it's there are some movies that just don't sound appealing. I don't like most westerns, war movies, or gangster movies. Never have been a big fan. And he tells me I should watch them, but I just can't bring myself to do so...
1. The Godfather movies
2. The Fight Club (someone ruined this movie by telling the ending)
3. Inglourious Bastards
4. Reservoir Dogs
5. Goodfellas
6. Any Bond movie
7. Any Mission Impossible movie
That's just a short list, there are many I just don't care to watch. Some of you would disagree with me, I'm sure. Feel free to post the dumbest, and best movies you have ever seen.
Shit Mr. Hubby Says...
Yeah yeah, it's been awhile. A lot of stuff happened in the last couple of months and I just haven't had it in me to write. I have had quite a few ideas on what I would like to get out, just never the will to do it. Mr. Hubby has been having a rough time. I don't blame him for feeling so depressed or wanting to sleep all the time, things haven't been that great. I am doing my best to be there for everyone and sometimes it just feels overwhelming. But the past couple of weeks, just at random moments, he has come up with some funny stuff that I made it a point daily to remember just for this blog.
We were watching the Dead Files and Amy was describing a guy she had seen who was wearing a stove pipe hat..and randomly, I said "with a button nose and two eyes made out of coal." Mr Hubby pipes in with "she is describing a man, not Frosty the fucking snow demon." I lost it.
We were watching another show, and something was brought up about King Tutankhamun and this is what followed,,,
Mr. Hubby - "I used to know King Tutankhamun."
Me - "Oh you did huh?"
Mr. Hubby - "Yeah, I was really close to him. I was his right hand man."
Me - Really?
Mr. Hubby - "Yeah they called me Tutan-notsocommon."
Me - "Seriously honey?"
Mr. Hubby - "Haha that was some funny shit right there."
He watched The Green Inferno today. From what I understand from most of my friends who have seen it, it's a disgusting movie about cannibalism and not something I would want to watch. Well he didn't say too much about it until he turned off the tv to go to sleep tonight. I asked him as we were laying there talking about how the movie was, and he said it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. But that it was gross, so I am kind of glad I didn't watch it, I had been warned and my stomach can't take stuff like it used to. So we were talking and the subject turned into the Amazon and being lost in it...
Mr. Hubby - "After seeing that movie, I would never want to be lost in the Amazon"
Me - "You will never be lost in the Amazon honey."
Mr. Hubby - "Hey, I could be."
Me - "And just how are you going to get lost there? You said you would never fly anywhere. Not even to go visit Kansas with me."
Mr. Hubby - "I would fly, I just won't fly at the weight I am now. And I would never fly to Kansas anyways, there is nothing to do there. You're zoos are nothing but farm animals."
Me - "Our zoos have more animals than just farm animals."
Mr. Hubby - "And I just don't see myself going to the local corn huskers festival."
Me - "I lived in Kansas my whole life, I have never even heard of a corn huskers festival."
Mr. Hubby - "Yeah, it's where people shuck corn."
Me - "Oh you got jokes. You act like I lived in some dinky town where everyone knows everything about everyone. My hometown was bigger than that. Not that I would want to go back there, the only thing back there is my ex husband and memories. From what I hear now, there is a pretty big drug problem."
Mr. Hubby - *mumbles something about it being the capital for meth heads* "Anyways, I wouldn't want to be lost in the Amazon.."
Me - "Just how are you going to get lost there? Where would we even be going to be flying over that area."
Mr. Hubby - "Brazil, Rio De Janiero. We could be going to the Olympics."
Me - "The Olympics are coming up this year, and how are we going to get there."
Mr. Hubby - "We could win the lottery."
Me - "Gotta play to win. We are broke,"
Mr. Hubby - "Okay okay, we could get lost on a three hour tour."
Me - "Where in the hell are you going to leave from here in states, on a three hour tour that would put you ANYWHERE near the Amazon Forest?"
Mr. Hubby - "FINE. A wormhole then."
Me - "And with that, I am getting out of bed and going on the computer for a bit."
Mr. Hubby - I just don't want to get lost in the Amazon and be eaten by cannibals."
Me - "Don't have to worry about that. I'll be back in a bit."
Mr. Hubby - "But I'll miss you."
There was some other parts of the conversation about me not having a passport and us arguing about the plane crash. Me arguing that besides crashing, the trees would further tear up the plane, and him arguing they would cushion our fall and we would live. Some of the conversations we have just floor me. I tell him often that he has a good imagination and that he should write, but he won't do it simply because he has no faith in himself. Anyways, it was nice just laying there and him actually making jokes, he hasn't done it too much lately.
I just re-read this and it seems scatterbrained. In a way it is, I did take two muscle relaxers and a norco before coming in here. I will save that for another blog.
Hope all is well with you friends. Have a good rest of the weekend!
We were watching the Dead Files and Amy was describing a guy she had seen who was wearing a stove pipe hat..and randomly, I said "with a button nose and two eyes made out of coal." Mr Hubby pipes in with "she is describing a man, not Frosty the fucking snow demon." I lost it.
We were watching another show, and something was brought up about King Tutankhamun and this is what followed,,,
Mr. Hubby - "I used to know King Tutankhamun."
Me - "Oh you did huh?"
Mr. Hubby - "Yeah, I was really close to him. I was his right hand man."
Me - Really?
Mr. Hubby - "Yeah they called me Tutan-notsocommon."
Me - "Seriously honey?"
Mr. Hubby - "Haha that was some funny shit right there."
He watched The Green Inferno today. From what I understand from most of my friends who have seen it, it's a disgusting movie about cannibalism and not something I would want to watch. Well he didn't say too much about it until he turned off the tv to go to sleep tonight. I asked him as we were laying there talking about how the movie was, and he said it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. But that it was gross, so I am kind of glad I didn't watch it, I had been warned and my stomach can't take stuff like it used to. So we were talking and the subject turned into the Amazon and being lost in it...
Mr. Hubby - "After seeing that movie, I would never want to be lost in the Amazon"
Me - "You will never be lost in the Amazon honey."
Mr. Hubby - "Hey, I could be."
Me - "And just how are you going to get lost there? You said you would never fly anywhere. Not even to go visit Kansas with me."
Mr. Hubby - "I would fly, I just won't fly at the weight I am now. And I would never fly to Kansas anyways, there is nothing to do there. You're zoos are nothing but farm animals."
Me - "Our zoos have more animals than just farm animals."
Mr. Hubby - "And I just don't see myself going to the local corn huskers festival."
Me - "I lived in Kansas my whole life, I have never even heard of a corn huskers festival."
Mr. Hubby - "Yeah, it's where people shuck corn."
Me - "Oh you got jokes. You act like I lived in some dinky town where everyone knows everything about everyone. My hometown was bigger than that. Not that I would want to go back there, the only thing back there is my ex husband and memories. From what I hear now, there is a pretty big drug problem."
Mr. Hubby - *mumbles something about it being the capital for meth heads* "Anyways, I wouldn't want to be lost in the Amazon.."
Me - "Just how are you going to get lost there? Where would we even be going to be flying over that area."
Mr. Hubby - "Brazil, Rio De Janiero. We could be going to the Olympics."
Me - "The Olympics are coming up this year, and how are we going to get there."
Mr. Hubby - "We could win the lottery."
Me - "Gotta play to win. We are broke,"
Mr. Hubby - "Okay okay, we could get lost on a three hour tour."
Me - "Where in the hell are you going to leave from here in states, on a three hour tour that would put you ANYWHERE near the Amazon Forest?"
Mr. Hubby - "FINE. A wormhole then."
Me - "And with that, I am getting out of bed and going on the computer for a bit."
Mr. Hubby - I just don't want to get lost in the Amazon and be eaten by cannibals."
Me - "Don't have to worry about that. I'll be back in a bit."
Mr. Hubby - "But I'll miss you."
There was some other parts of the conversation about me not having a passport and us arguing about the plane crash. Me arguing that besides crashing, the trees would further tear up the plane, and him arguing they would cushion our fall and we would live. Some of the conversations we have just floor me. I tell him often that he has a good imagination and that he should write, but he won't do it simply because he has no faith in himself. Anyways, it was nice just laying there and him actually making jokes, he hasn't done it too much lately.
I just re-read this and it seems scatterbrained. In a way it is, I did take two muscle relaxers and a norco before coming in here. I will save that for another blog.
Hope all is well with you friends. Have a good rest of the weekend!
Friday, April 1, 2016
So here's an update...
Hey all, just doing a update about what's been going on with us. We are still alive and kicking obviously =)
A month ago today, my youngest daughter and her boyfriend moved from Missouri to Cali to live with us. She was hanging around some not so good for her people and definitely was doing things I didn't approve of in any way. (I won't go into that, that is her story to tell if she cares to share it) I will say that I was pretty worried and stressed about this change in both her lives and ours. And we had already been down this road with one of Mr. Hubby's sisters already. The first couple of weeks were pretty rough, she wasn't the same girl that was here visiting seven years ago. I think part of me hoped she would be the same sixteen year old that she was, but in all reality, she's had two beautiful kids since then and has been through a lot of stuff that no twenty-two, (now 23 year old) should go through. She was really introverted, kept to herself in her room, and was really jaded. Since then she has really opened up and become the daughter I had always known her to be. I am trying my best to help her heal and get through her problems while letting her know that she can still do anything she wants to do. Life is rough, it is, we all have our own stories, some good, some bad. I know where she's coming from, I lived it myself. I try to let her know that I'm here for her, and that I have her back. It has given me something to focus on other than just me being sick.
On that note, the doctor has determined that not only do I have crohn's, I have IBS on top of that and a very slow moving bowel. I am still waiting to meet with whatever surgeon they are giving me. The insurance finally okayed the steroid, a one month supply was over $1500. (I see now why they turned it down) I have to be on them three months. She has added two new meds as my vitamin d is very very low and the other is to help with the bowel issue. They covered the vitamin d but of course, not the one to help me use the restroom because its another almost $400. She has also decided that we are going to do the Humira injection along with the Imuran pill. My tb test came back negative, so we are just waiting on one blood test to come back and then hopefully my insurance will okay those meds and I will get started on them. We will see...
Mr. Hubby is doing okay for everything that has been going on. He got his cardiac clearance, his primary doctor is just waiting on the pulmonary function test to give final clearance for the surgery. He is still dealing with both violent and suicidal thoughts. I see him struggle daily with this and it hurts me that I can't just take it all away. I have dealt with depression since I was six years old, and although I can say that I know what it feels like, I still don't as his thoughts are extremely different than my thoughts were. Yes there was self harm, and thoughts of suicide, but no two peoples depression is the same. And we all deal with it in very different ways. He was making so much progress with his therapist, and then workman's comp comes along and takes that away and now he is back to the same problems he was having before therapy. I personally sent his lawyer a copy of the referral so no one can say he did or didn't get it. So hopefully he will be able to see her again soon.
I ended up in the ER about a week and a half ago with back spasms so bad that it hurt to breathe. They did xrays and found out that the spasms were straightening the curve out of my spine in my lower back area. We assume it's from the steroids as I had no problems with my back before I started taking them. The hospital gave me a light muscle relaxer and it worked great. I followed up with my doctor and instead of giving me more of the muscle relaxers, he prescribed me hydrocodone again. My GI was a little ticked as any pain killer, prescription or non not only can cause issues with your stomach, but can cause major constipation on top of that. (like I need any help there) So yeah, I'm kind of having to suffer through this right now as my doctor went on vacation for the week. And I will be the first to say I am not doing well at the whole bedrest, no sitting, no lifting rules. I can not just lay in bed all day. It drives me crazy. I do have to say, the Flexeril put me back in bed and I got some really good sleep haha.
Mom and I have been off work for two weeks and going a bit stir crazy. Work starts back up for her this weekend and for me next weekend though and will be steady for awhile. I am crossing my fingers that things go smoothly with the meds and me working, but I have the worst luck with side effects. Luckily, my boss, like my previous bosses, know about my condition, I am up front about everything, and I will be the first to let them know if I can't do the work at the time. Summer camp is in a couple of months, I hope things are all evened out by then. Summer camp is the best part of the job, the kids are great and I love the staff we see year after year. So here's to hoping.
Hope things are well with all of you guys and gals. I would love to hear any comments you have, either on here or drop me a message on facebook!
A month ago today, my youngest daughter and her boyfriend moved from Missouri to Cali to live with us. She was hanging around some not so good for her people and definitely was doing things I didn't approve of in any way. (I won't go into that, that is her story to tell if she cares to share it) I will say that I was pretty worried and stressed about this change in both her lives and ours. And we had already been down this road with one of Mr. Hubby's sisters already. The first couple of weeks were pretty rough, she wasn't the same girl that was here visiting seven years ago. I think part of me hoped she would be the same sixteen year old that she was, but in all reality, she's had two beautiful kids since then and has been through a lot of stuff that no twenty-two, (now 23 year old) should go through. She was really introverted, kept to herself in her room, and was really jaded. Since then she has really opened up and become the daughter I had always known her to be. I am trying my best to help her heal and get through her problems while letting her know that she can still do anything she wants to do. Life is rough, it is, we all have our own stories, some good, some bad. I know where she's coming from, I lived it myself. I try to let her know that I'm here for her, and that I have her back. It has given me something to focus on other than just me being sick.
On that note, the doctor has determined that not only do I have crohn's, I have IBS on top of that and a very slow moving bowel. I am still waiting to meet with whatever surgeon they are giving me. The insurance finally okayed the steroid, a one month supply was over $1500. (I see now why they turned it down) I have to be on them three months. She has added two new meds as my vitamin d is very very low and the other is to help with the bowel issue. They covered the vitamin d but of course, not the one to help me use the restroom because its another almost $400. She has also decided that we are going to do the Humira injection along with the Imuran pill. My tb test came back negative, so we are just waiting on one blood test to come back and then hopefully my insurance will okay those meds and I will get started on them. We will see...
Mr. Hubby is doing okay for everything that has been going on. He got his cardiac clearance, his primary doctor is just waiting on the pulmonary function test to give final clearance for the surgery. He is still dealing with both violent and suicidal thoughts. I see him struggle daily with this and it hurts me that I can't just take it all away. I have dealt with depression since I was six years old, and although I can say that I know what it feels like, I still don't as his thoughts are extremely different than my thoughts were. Yes there was self harm, and thoughts of suicide, but no two peoples depression is the same. And we all deal with it in very different ways. He was making so much progress with his therapist, and then workman's comp comes along and takes that away and now he is back to the same problems he was having before therapy. I personally sent his lawyer a copy of the referral so no one can say he did or didn't get it. So hopefully he will be able to see her again soon.
I ended up in the ER about a week and a half ago with back spasms so bad that it hurt to breathe. They did xrays and found out that the spasms were straightening the curve out of my spine in my lower back area. We assume it's from the steroids as I had no problems with my back before I started taking them. The hospital gave me a light muscle relaxer and it worked great. I followed up with my doctor and instead of giving me more of the muscle relaxers, he prescribed me hydrocodone again. My GI was a little ticked as any pain killer, prescription or non not only can cause issues with your stomach, but can cause major constipation on top of that. (like I need any help there) So yeah, I'm kind of having to suffer through this right now as my doctor went on vacation for the week. And I will be the first to say I am not doing well at the whole bedrest, no sitting, no lifting rules. I can not just lay in bed all day. It drives me crazy. I do have to say, the Flexeril put me back in bed and I got some really good sleep haha.
Mom and I have been off work for two weeks and going a bit stir crazy. Work starts back up for her this weekend and for me next weekend though and will be steady for awhile. I am crossing my fingers that things go smoothly with the meds and me working, but I have the worst luck with side effects. Luckily, my boss, like my previous bosses, know about my condition, I am up front about everything, and I will be the first to let them know if I can't do the work at the time. Summer camp is in a couple of months, I hope things are all evened out by then. Summer camp is the best part of the job, the kids are great and I love the staff we see year after year. So here's to hoping.
Hope things are well with all of you guys and gals. I would love to hear any comments you have, either on here or drop me a message on facebook!
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Ok so this is what's going on and I am frustrated so yeah....
I am writing this because frankly I have already told my husband, a daughter, my mom, my mother in law, my brother, my male best friend and I am tired of repeating the story so I am putting it here, you all can read it and then message me or give me input if you would like.
I went to my GI doctor yesterday for my follow up for my colonoscopy. First off, they were not able to get a clean biopsy from my colon for the cancer test due to the fact that after 4 laxatives and 4 liters of drink, I was still partially impacted. So I have to redo the colonoscopy in a couple of months.
My Entocort steroid STILL hasn't been approved and my doctor took it upon herself to write my insurance to tell them why I need it.
My pills for my Crohn's are no longer working. So I have been given the options of the following...
1. The Remicade 3 hour infusion (at a hospital) every 8 weeks plus the Imuran pill.
2. The Humira Pen (given by myself) every 4 weeks to start plus the Imuran pill.
3. The Cimzia Injection (also given by myself) every 4 weeks to start plus the Imuran pill.
You are welcome to look these up, but I am warning you, the side effects are all the same and not good.
For starters, there is a 1 in 40000 chance of developing Lymphoma with all four of these meds. If you have dealt with prior cancer, which I am still dealing with through my primary AND obgyn on what they want to do, then the chance is greater.
I am looking at weight loss, losing my hair, or total alopecia, severe abdominal cramping, Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus like joint problems and pain, chest pain, fatigue, fainting and dizziness, respiratory infections, rashes, itching, tightness in chest and/or difficulty breathing, nausea, and vomiting after taking the meds...just to name of a few of the COMMON side effects. These are just what my doctor listed off the top of her head.
I am at a point in my disease where this is the next option. I really have no choice in this. I really have no choice in which one I take, it's kind of up to my insurance.
I am also meeting with a surgeon because I have scar tissue in my intestines that the disease has caused and that will have to be removed and my intestines put back together.
So yeah, this is where I am at this point. I am a little frustrated, no, a LOT frustrated that I wasn't at least notified that they couldn't get a clean biopsy for the colon cancer. My mom is dying from it. I feel that is a pretty important thing to let someone know. I went in to this appt expecting to hear results and I got nothing..again.
Luckily, the steroids they had me on for the bleeding, has gotten that under control so I am good there, Now it is just the waiting game to find out which two lovely mixtures of the meds my insurance will be covering, and if they are going to cover my steroids.
The final news about these medications is they are 100 percent immunosuppressive. Meaning they totally stop my immune system. So I am open to infections, colds, flus, and when they hit me, I will get them harder and they will take a lot longer to get rid of because of this fact. Fun times.
I will also be having a TB test (needed before I can take any of the meds at all) and an xray to make sure there is no more damaged intestines that were missed. So lots of fun stuff ahead.
Anyways, I could use some friendly words, I am just overly frustrated, and frankly, a little scared of the next part of this journey.
I went to my GI doctor yesterday for my follow up for my colonoscopy. First off, they were not able to get a clean biopsy from my colon for the cancer test due to the fact that after 4 laxatives and 4 liters of drink, I was still partially impacted. So I have to redo the colonoscopy in a couple of months.
My Entocort steroid STILL hasn't been approved and my doctor took it upon herself to write my insurance to tell them why I need it.
My pills for my Crohn's are no longer working. So I have been given the options of the following...
1. The Remicade 3 hour infusion (at a hospital) every 8 weeks plus the Imuran pill.
2. The Humira Pen (given by myself) every 4 weeks to start plus the Imuran pill.
3. The Cimzia Injection (also given by myself) every 4 weeks to start plus the Imuran pill.
You are welcome to look these up, but I am warning you, the side effects are all the same and not good.
For starters, there is a 1 in 40000 chance of developing Lymphoma with all four of these meds. If you have dealt with prior cancer, which I am still dealing with through my primary AND obgyn on what they want to do, then the chance is greater.
I am looking at weight loss, losing my hair, or total alopecia, severe abdominal cramping, Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus like joint problems and pain, chest pain, fatigue, fainting and dizziness, respiratory infections, rashes, itching, tightness in chest and/or difficulty breathing, nausea, and vomiting after taking the meds...just to name of a few of the COMMON side effects. These are just what my doctor listed off the top of her head.
I am at a point in my disease where this is the next option. I really have no choice in this. I really have no choice in which one I take, it's kind of up to my insurance.
I am also meeting with a surgeon because I have scar tissue in my intestines that the disease has caused and that will have to be removed and my intestines put back together.
So yeah, this is where I am at this point. I am a little frustrated, no, a LOT frustrated that I wasn't at least notified that they couldn't get a clean biopsy for the colon cancer. My mom is dying from it. I feel that is a pretty important thing to let someone know. I went in to this appt expecting to hear results and I got nothing..again.
Luckily, the steroids they had me on for the bleeding, has gotten that under control so I am good there, Now it is just the waiting game to find out which two lovely mixtures of the meds my insurance will be covering, and if they are going to cover my steroids.
The final news about these medications is they are 100 percent immunosuppressive. Meaning they totally stop my immune system. So I am open to infections, colds, flus, and when they hit me, I will get them harder and they will take a lot longer to get rid of because of this fact. Fun times.
I will also be having a TB test (needed before I can take any of the meds at all) and an xray to make sure there is no more damaged intestines that were missed. So lots of fun stuff ahead.
Anyways, I could use some friendly words, I am just overly frustrated, and frankly, a little scared of the next part of this journey.
Friday, December 25, 2015
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays
It's 3:58 am and I had to get up to take a pain pill...ugh. I know better than to eat before bed but I was just so damn hungry, I couldn't help it and now I am paying for it. Wanted to wish all my friends and family a very Merry Christmas, I hope you all have safe travels and the best Christmas ever! Since I am up for a few, I thought I'd do a quick post seeing that it's officially my 44th birthday today and I have a words of wisdom/advice to share with the younger ones out there. Some amusing, some serious, but still words to live by...
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Memories (an excerpt from the book that crashed and burned with my hard drive)
"..There are so many memories that I have yet to remember. It's been almost forty years and I figured something would have surfaced by now. Why can't I remember? Will I ever be able to remember? Maybe things are better off where they are now, maybe it's better they stay hidden. Memories locked away. Then there are the nightmares, these being a whole other story. There are a few things I do remember with the help of my dreams... A red headed man, a hallway going upstairs to a room...the door leading to the hallway looked like the rest of the wall so people didn't know it was there unless they saw it open. I see a camera often, no idea why. He is in my dreams a lot, normally chasing me until I wake up in tears. I remember things here and there, things my grandparents said I was too young to remember. There was no way I could know these things, but I do. And honestly, I want to remember, so that maybe, just maybe, I can move on...maybe.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Shit Mr. Husband Says...
The last week or so, my crohn's has been kicking my ass. I haven't had a days rest from it at all, I wake up in pain, I go to sleep in pain. So, I wake up this morning to the phone ringing and Mr. Husband having a conversation about losing his health care unless he gives them all this information, which we figure is just a scam to get your personal info. He hangs up on them and then turns his attention to me. He asks if I am feeling any better, and I tell him no. And this is where it starts to get interesting...
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
I can not brain today, I has the dumb...
I am being betrayed. My head is full and I think my brain is on the fritz. Seriously got some sort of mental incompetence going on.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Cosmopolitan Makes Me Laugh
I just caught up on all my back issues of Cosmopolitan. I admit, I have a few magazines I get that I love to read through. I love the fashion in them even though I am not built to wear any of the clothing they show. As a forty year old housewife, I will never be a size small enough for what they put in those magazines, no matter how much weight I lose. Face it, after a certain age, your body never loses weight where you want it to. I started walking on a pretty regular basis in hopes of losing some of my stomach and where does the weight come off first? My boobs of course. Makes perfect sense to me. (insert eye roll) Anyways, I was reading the Dec 2011 issue of Cosmo and came across "100 Best Sex Tips of the Year" and I was all excited, thinking I was going to learn something new possibly. Not so much. I laughed through most of these and thought I would share a few of my favorites and why they could never apply to me...
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Shit Mr. Hubby Says
I used to hate summertime. I don't like being overly hot. On the same note, I hate winter as well because I hate being cold more than I hate being hot. I need to find a place to live where it is fall and spring all year round. (If anyone knows of this ideal location, let a girl know. This summer has been different for me though. In June, I started walking here and there to get myself out of the house. As July rolled around, I started going a bit farther for longer stretches. Come this month, I have walked 15 miles total the past week straight. That's right, a week straight. I might be a little addicted, possibly. I wait until just before the sun goes down before I go out, and I always take one, if not both, of the dogs with me. I have a pug and a chihuahua and I have to decide how far I am going to walk so I know which dog I am taking. My pug is a little on the heavy side and because she can only do about a mile, if I go farther than that, she stays home.
For a couple of weeks, Mr. Hubby tried walking too but because of his injury, the pain it caused, and his lawyers recommendation, he had to stop. I feel bad because it was at least getting him out of the house and helping to lose the weight he needs to lose in order to have his knee surgery.I genuinely feel bad for him.
On the upside, Mr. Hubby has lots to say in his downtime. And as you all know, I never know what is going to come out of his mouth at any given time...
For a couple of weeks, Mr. Hubby tried walking too but because of his injury, the pain it caused, and his lawyers recommendation, he had to stop. I feel bad because it was at least getting him out of the house and helping to lose the weight he needs to lose in order to have his knee surgery.I genuinely feel bad for him.
On the upside, Mr. Hubby has lots to say in his downtime. And as you all know, I never know what is going to come out of his mouth at any given time...
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
2 a.m. Randomness
I am woman, I am invincible, and man, I am tired....and I can't sleep. Go figure. Mr. Husband has been sick and he can be rather loud while sleeping right now. Between that and my head, I haven't a good nights sleep since, well, I can't remember. Some nights, I hate being a woman. We go to bed, and no matter how tired we are, our head kicks into overtime and I will lay there for hours thinking about nothing that is really so important that I should be losing sleep over it. I know I'm not alone in this one. Mr. Husband can just lay down, and be asleep within minutes, must be nice. I will admit, I am jealous. And more often than not, I would just love to do something loud and annoying just so I am not the only one awake.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
10 Things I've Never Done
With my big 40 only being 14 days away, I figured I would share a few things that I have yet to do...some of them are silly and some are ones I actually would like to do, preferably sooner rather than later.
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