So to start off, things have been pretty hectic. Doctors appointments, changes/little upgrades to the house, mom working full time again, me not working at all, bone density tests, mri's, dentists...it's been hella hectic. I wanted to also throw in an update, I saw my neurologist, and he did he hand test on me, and stuck needles in my arms, and ruled out carpal tunnel totally. A little odd to me seeing that I am a pc gamer and my right arm gets overused a bit. So for unknown reasons, I still have no feelings in my fingertips on the right hand, and a torn right rotator cuff. I've developed a tic in my mouth and the side of my eye and for no reason at all, I will start doing these odd facial things, I also keep losing feeling in my left arm and hand, and sometimes numbness in my left leg. And the muscle spasms are getting worse, especially the ones in my calves and between my shoulder blades. My doctor still has me on Norcos and Flexiril, same dosage, every month. The doctors are trying to rule out the rare brain disease, they are all leaning towards MS. My blood work is all good, according to my primary, and he was surprised when I told him I hadn't taken any medications other than my pain management and weed for the last 10 months. He says if it turns out to be MS, I may end up being a case study. I have a lot of shit wrong with me for only being 45. The kids are still residing here, but hopefully only for another month, we will see. Is that everything? I think so, but eh, I'm high so yeah...
I do not like the word stupid. "You aren't stupid, you can do better." or "What are you, fucking stupid?" or the great "You are stupid, you will amount to nothing." I don't give a rats ass how it's said, it is a mean and ugly word that tears people down, whether you are teasing or not. After hearing it over and over and over, even though you are nowhere close to being stupid, you start to believe that you are. And I would actually go as far to say that I rate it right up there with being called a c*nt or my egg donor's name. I also try not to call anyone that. When my Mr. Hubby is acting up, I don't call him that. I may say something like "You are crazy." or "What am I gonna do with you." I don't call my kids that. Not even a joking "Girl you stupid." My children are far from stupid. They may lack some common sense...wait...they lack common sense most of the time, but I never want them to think that I think they are stupid. Do they do things that are dumb, yes? Everybody does. We all have our dee dee dee moments, doesn't make you stupid.
The reason I am even stating this out loud is because of something my mother in law said to me the past couple of days. I have been worried about this brain thing for awhile now, it has killed me to wait to get the EEG done on my head. It is probably my number one worry in my life at this point. And having someone I love very much say it, well it hurt my feelings. I don't normally get my feelings hurt easy, so for me to feel hurt over it, says something. I never make fun of mom for her forgetfulness, or losing her wording, or that she tells us things repeatedly. She's had three strokes, so it's not a laughing or joking thing. I would expect the same treatment in return. There are white marks on my brain. The doctors have pretty much ruled out the rare disease thing, and more than likely cancer as well. Yay! What we are left with, isn't fun. Multiple Sclerosis or mini strokes. Either of those equals not good. MS because you never get better, and mini strokes are normally followed by a full blown stroke. Anyway, got off topic. These past few days, mom has really just been picking at me. Making little statements about not having a brain, or saying "that's why you act so stupid." I have just sat back, sucked in a little extra air, and swallowed that shit. But those who know me, and I mean know me well, know that this isn't going to last long. I will not always just sit back and swallow it down. Am I forgetful? Yes, which is what led my doctor to ask for the MRI. I am so forgetful, I have a calendar on my phone, on my pc, on my Kindle, and then two that I write in so I hopefully don't forget when a bill has to be paid, or one of our many appointments. I think she forgets that I am the only one paying bills, and setting up appointments, and driving to appointments. Hell, I drive ninety-nine percent of the time now. And the newest thing, is her not answering the phone, ever. Car payment behind and the bank is calling? Ignore. House payment late or not enough and the bank is calling? Ignore. Same with the credit cards. I had to step into the financial company for her car because if I hadn't, it would've been repoed. She was leading us to believe she was paying the car payment. I make her an account for the financial institution and log on, and she is months behind. She was only making partial payments here and there. Mr. Hubby asks me to say something if I am upset with her. It is NOT that simple. When you try to talk to mom and she doesn't like what you have to say, suddenly you are "yelling" at her. She does it to him all the time. Whether it's joking in her eyes or not, it still bothers me to no end. If I were to leave for a week, nothing would get paid because it seems she can't do that anymore. Why can't she? "Because I've had three strokes." ...
That is the excuse for everything. She has now gone back to work 5 days a week, 6-8 hour days depending on how she is feeling. I understand it's hard when she gets home to do anything. After being off work for a year, it's hard to stand 8 hours a day when you haven't done it for a year. And just because I am not working right now, it doesn't make me any less of a person. I had to quit the camp, I lost all the feeling in my right hand, and tend to go numb in the left hand. Now, imagine me carrying a huge pot of boiling water, or I am slicing veggies and lose all feeling midway, what happens? I understand why I should not go back up there to work. I worked 4 years there with her. She seems bitter that she is working, and I am not. Well, the neurologist says she shouldn't be working at all, but her primary sent her back with her going back to work full time after 2 weeks. I loved working with her, and when I quit, none of us had any idea she was even going back to work ever...
So, here is the exact moment when my brain started going fifty miles a minute, and I have now lost track of the thing I wanted to say next. I am not going to edit, I am not going to go back and change things, I am going to leave it exactly as is, and when I am not so out of it, I will come back and read it. It'll be interesting to see how sober me sees high me...
Until next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment