Don't Call Me Stupid...

So to start off, things have been pretty hectic. Doctors appointments, changes/little upgrades to the house, mom working full time again, me not working at all, bone density tests, mri's, dentists...it's been hella hectic. I wanted to also throw in an update, I saw my neurologist, and he did he hand test on me, and stuck needles in my arms, and ruled out carpal tunnel totally. A little odd to me seeing that I am a pc gamer and my right arm gets overused a bit. So for unknown reasons, I still have no feelings in my fingertips on the right hand, and a torn right rotator cuff. I've developed a tic in my mouth and the side of my eye and for no reason at all, I will start doing these odd facial things, I also keep losing feeling in my left arm and hand, and sometimes numbness in my left leg. And the muscle spasms are getting worse, especially the ones in my calves and between my shoulder blades. My doctor still has me on Norcos and Flexiril, same dosage, every month. The doctors are trying to rule out the rare brain disease, they are all leaning towards MS.  My blood work is all good, according to my primary, and he was surprised when I told him I hadn't taken any medications other than my pain management and weed for the last 10 months. He says if it turns out to be MS, I may end up being a case study. I have a lot of shit wrong with me for only being 45. The kids are still residing here, but hopefully only for another month, we will see. Is that everything? I think so, but eh, I'm high so yeah...

When I Look at You...Dear Mr. Hubby

I heard this today, and it seemed so fitting for how I am feeling right now.

Dear Mr. Hubby,

  Our lives, right now, seem to be falling down around us. I know you are hurting, I know you are sad. I know there is nothing I can do but be here for you. But they say, everything happens for a reason, when one door closes, another opens, etcetera. When you are at your darkest, please know, that I need you and can't imagine one single day without you in my life. I don't ever want there to be a time where I have to live without you in my life. You made me realize there are good and decent men out there, and you helped me change for the better, at least I think so. And when it comes down to it, that is all that matters. You get me, I get you, I would never try to change the quirky person you are. I don't love you for what you can or can't do for me, I love you simply because of the person you are. I love you because with you, I can be just me.

   The house falling apart, bills piling up, animals driving us nuts, mom in her moods...all of this will pass. We have gotten through this for all these years, we are going to get through this time too. When we got together, you knew I had Crohn's. Now we are slowly finding out that there is so much more wrong with my health. The situation is not funny, I know, but the little jokes about finding me someone to wipe my ass when that time comes, even though they are just that, jokes, somewhere inside, I know you are here for me. I have been lost in my own thoughts lately, and at some point, while I hope it never comes to this, if you ever feel that it is too much for you to handle, I would understand. I cry as I write this because just the thought of that hurts me so much, but I would understand and deal with it. But then somewhere deep down, something pulls me back and reassures me that you are not going anywhere.

   You are so much more to me than I think you know. You are my laughter, you are my smiles, you are my heart...and I love you so much that I can't just simply write it out because there are not enough words in our language to properly express how much I do love you. If I could take away your pain, hurt and sadness, I would at the drop of a hat. To think of you hurting hurts me. It has to get better at some point, right? I know I keep saying it, but in saying it, then I believe it. And we all need something to believe in. And I believe, in my heart of hearts, that this will all pass, and we will find the happiness that you deserve. I want you to know, that no matter what I am behind you 150% times infinity. No matter where our journey takes us, I am always here for you. I love you Mr. Hubby...

                                                                                   Your wifey
                                                                             

Shit Mr. (stoned) Hubby says...

So yeah, here I am. Hi guys!! How are ya? We are adding a new series to this blog, besides just "Shit Mr. Hubby Says...we are going to do a separate one for a stoned Mr. Hubby.  A stoned Mr. H is even more hilarious than a sober one. I'll be honest, I have missed some really good conversations with him because I am forever misplacing my voice recorder. So now, I stick it in my purse, because at some point everything ends up in there anyways, but that's another blog...

30 Day Challenge

1. Your current relationship. Explain how your life feels in your relationship.
2. Where you'd like to be in 10 years.
3. Your views on drugs and alcohol
4. Your views on religion
5.  A time you thought about ending your own life.
6. Write 30 interesting facts about yourself
7. Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
8. A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
9. How you hope your future will be like
10. Discuss your first love and kiss
11. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up
12. Bullet your whole day
13. Somewhere you'd like to move or visit
14. Your earliest memory
15. Your favorite tumblrs
16. Your views on mainstream music
17. Your highs and lows this year
18. Your beliefs
19. Disrespecting your parents
20. How important do you think education is
21. One of your favorite shows
22. How have you changed in the past two years
23. Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive
24. Your favorite movie and what it's about
25. Someone who fascinates you and why
26. What kind of person attracts you
27. A problem that you have had
28. Something that you miss
29. Goals for the next 30 days
30. Your highs and lows of this month

To be continued...

I've been throwing ideas for posts back and forth for awhile now. I have three drafts that I am close to being done with but they just don't quite feel complete so I haven't been able to bring myself to publish them. Two out of the three, well, I was high. And sober me has to go through and try to fix anything messed up in those posts. I'll just say it's been interesting and I will leave it at that. In my creative moments, I also have two short stories that I've been working on but I am not sure they will ever be seen by anyone else. I am so unsure of myself lately, not just in my writing, but in pretty much everything I do. Not sure if it's lack of confidence or just still the backlash of my mom passing that has me feeling so uneasy about things.

This past year, we were closer than I think we have ever been in my entire life. It makes me hurt to think that it took her death sentence to knock some sense into me that maybe I should reach out more. I'm not complaining, the last year was wonderful, talking every one to two weeks, and not just a fly by phone call lasting two minutes. Things that we should've talked about years ago finally got brought up. I finally opened up and told her about the sexual abuse that happened before she took over custody of us. She asked me a lot why I never told her. And I told her, bluntly, she wouldn't have believed me. She didn't believe my sister about our dad. She didn't believe my real mother about her dad (kicked her out when she was 15.) I was already labeled the "bad kid" because I came to them damaged beyond what they thought I was. I spent years and years in therapy because of the fucked up shit that I saw and that happened. I am almost 45, I still have nightmares. The only difference is, I no longer go to therapy. I no longer take pills to make me seem human. The medical marijuana seems to be helping just fine in that department. I feel again, I can cry again, and I don't feel so robotic.

I know I seem to be rambling. I haven't really written or talked about her death. It's not something I am comfortable with. There is quite a bit of "dirt" in my family. I could fucking write a book. And now, if I wanted, I could actually do that without worrying about hurting her feelings or upsetting her, but I am just not at that point to be writing about being a survivor when I don't really feel that I am. I'll be honest, I don't always feel like I've truly overcome anything, because somewhere in my head, you aren't a survivor unless you've gotten over it, something I will never do. It will always be a part of me. And to those who know me who seem to think I have my shit together, I may look like it but not even close. The only thing that saves me right now, is times of a brain fogginess/memory loss. Doctor isn't sure what to chalk it up to. Sometimes they say it's a fibro-fog, but my gastro doctor seems to think it could be MS related as it is happening with a few other different symptoms. I really hope not because I don't need any more bullshit on my plate...

Oookay. So I think I just wasted like 15 minutes just sitting here staring at nothingness.  I lost all train of thought on where I was going with this post...so yeah...To be continued...



.

I Am Struggling...

This may come off as a little scatterbrained and if so, I want to apologize in advance. I am having a rough time tonight, having a rough time keeping my cool. I am trying to take care of the house, trying to take care of mom since the hospital, trying to help get Mr. Hubby ready for his surgery on the 26th, and I suffer from Crohn's, IBS, Fibromyalgia and possibly Rheumatoid Arthritis. On top of this, I have suffered from what was once was called manic depression, now called major depression, along with minor ocd, and anxiety. I take a injection in my stomach every two weeks and because of those shots, I have to take a form of speed called phentermine (which only works half the time) A week ago, I slept most of the time for 4 days straight, while on that med. I take 13 pills every morning and at night, if in pain or having muscle spasms, I take flexiril, or hydrocodones...if absolutely needed. Every month or month and a half, my doctor gives me these prescriptions, 90 count of each in case I need them every 8 hours. I never do, I only take them during the day if the pain is unbearable, and normally by the end of the day, I am in pain, so I will take one depending on the form of pain before my hot bath and bed time. I was on steroids for months, and the lower back spasms caused the curve in my lower spine to straighten out.  I am saying all this because it leads up to my newest problem...

It's been awhile coming...

They say when it rains it pours. I think I/we can fairly attest to this with our recent streak of luck. I mean, I can not be the only one that when something good happens, and things start looking up and everyone is feeling happy and relaxed, some freaking high power decides to knock you down a notch or fifty. At some point, you begin to wonder what exactly you did so wrong in this universe to deserve such luck. I am nice to people, I give money to those who need it (when I have money), I donate to cancer foundations (once again, money), I respect my elders, I am a damn good listener and always have a ear for anyone who needs it, and I try and put most peoples needs and wants before my own. All in all, I think I am a good person. Seriously, I keep telling myself, it has to get better, it can't be bad all the time, right? But thus far, positivity hasn't gotten me far at all. Anyways, not to sit here and complain (which I feel I have every right to freaking do), but I thought I would share some stuff that has been going on with us recently so that people understand what has been going on...